So, my thrities have taught me this...

Seems like a loaded statement being that I've only been 30 for 6 months. And let me just say this, I don't often talk about my struggle with depression here...but right now, I'm gonna.

I don't talk about it, because for awhile there was some shame attached to it. Feeling like I should be able to pull myself up by my boot straps and make myself happy again. If I loved Jesus enough and believed Him enough for healing, then I would be healed (and now even that thought makes me angry, that's not the Jesus I know...He doesn't with-hold because of my faith or something I'm not doing, seems a ridiculous notion to me now). I repeated mantras to myself like "happiness is a state of mind". And listen, if you're one of those people that says those things and they work for you...then thumbs up to that. But, I realized a little over a year ago that my depression was more than skin deep. My doctor agreed.

I could not have been more pro-active about healing myself in all the ways I THOUGHT I needed to be healed. An enormous amount of prayer counseling with more than one counselor. Lots of excercise. Eating well, watching the toxins I put in my body. Herbal remedies. Begging and pleading God for healing. And finally my homeopathic doctor says, "It's time to accept the fact that this is clinical". BOOO!!!

I'll never forget the day I left the doctors office with my first prescription for anti-depressants. I felt completely defeated. Undone, really. But, as the fog that had been sitting on top of me for years started to lift, and I was able to really live again I realized that not only was it okay for me to be taking them, but that it was good! It even allowed me to really dig deeper in my own counseling sessions.

Listen, I know that this opinion is not a popular one in the Christian Counseling world (meaning, I agree that meds are not for everyone, but they are for some). I'm MORE than okay with that. I feel like God's carved out this place for me, and really given me a heart for mom's and families who are struggling with the reality of clinical depression. I walked it out as a child in a home where a parent struggled for years to get the help she needed. I lost a grandmother before I ever met her, she couldn't fight it off anymore and ended her own life. And my dear Aunt has fought and fought hard in the midst of it for years. It goes back generations with my family. There are stories to tell. People in my lineage even before my grandmother who suffered.

And over the past year, even though I've seen how necessary it is for me to take my seratonin boosting drugs, I've still fought it tooth and nail. I'm gonna find something natural. I'm going to keep on researching 'til I get this right. I'm even reading a book right now, as we speak, called "Eat Your Way to Happiness" (which is very good, by the way). But, my doctor agreed to give the homeopathic route another try a few weeks ago. And I tell you, I was excited! I went to the supplement store and stocked up and started the next day on the new supplements.

I felt great that first week and was so optimistic. But, I mean I took a turn for it and headed back into that fog pretty darn quick. Which, then, made me angry. And oh boy, did I let God hear about it! I kept telling Him that I did not want to have to depend on these meds for the rest of my life! And then He asked me a question yesterday in one of my stewing sessions..."Danielle, haven't you been trusting and depending on me for healing in this?" And with my huffy "YES!", He reminded me "Then trust that I have you here for this time, and just let it go. Stop fighting me tooth and nail. I know your heart and your intentions. It's not failing or giving up when you take that medication." I even wrote it down and put it on my mirror in the bathroom!

And I do feel like He has a purpose in this all. I feel more balanced today than I have in a long time (fully living in the acceptance that it's okay to be here)...and I'm even sick. Which tells me this. That I was fighting too hard to get to the next place in life and not living in this moment. I really CANNOT wait for the day that behind closed doors, in my office somewhere, I get to share with another mother how God pulled me out of that dark hole called depression and brought me along on this journey to healing! I know He's gonna do that!

But, today I felt like I needed a confession. A place to say, "Yep, this is where I am. And Yep, this is my struggle. But, isn't it fantastic that God's right here in the midst of it...ugliness and all!" Kinda like an AA meeting, I needed to lay it all out there...and it does feel good! That's what I've learned most in my short lived life as a 30-something. BE HERE, even when it's messy! And that even if it's not my plan, sometimes it's the BEST plan for me!